We Need to Talk [Flashback] S, L

Jack stared at the wall across from him, lost in his own thoughts.  Since they had made up a few days ago, Jack had spent nearly every waking moment locked away in Elijah’s bedroom.  The two needed their privacy to figure out where everything stood and how they wished to proceed.  A few things were certain.  They still loved each other.  They were back together.  Breaking up was not an option.  They were going to press on and make things work.  But in order to do that, they needed to talk.  They had talked about a lot of things already, but there was still so much more they needed to discuss.  There were the little things.  How were they going to spend their time now?  What was a reasonable amount of time for Jack to spend in the Principia?  How slowly did they need to go with all of the things that had been so normal before?  But there were also the big things.  Or rather, one big thing.  One big thing that was weighing on Jack’s mind.  Part of him really didn’t want to know the details, but another part of him knew they would never be the same as they once were if they didn’t talk about it.

Jack looked down at Elijah’s face.  He had banked up the pillows, so he could comfortably rest his back against the headboard and stretch his legs out.  Elijah had rested his head in his lap, and Jack had absentmindedly started running his fingers through his hair.  The son of Venus had expected Elijah to say something by now.  Jack had been quiet for an awfully long time by now.  Looking at his boyfriend’s face, Jack realized Elijah’s eyes were closed.  Had he fallen asleep?  That would explain his silence.  Maybe he was just lost in the moment, like Jack was sometimes.  Biting his lip, the son of Venus wondered how to begin.  This was the conversation he had been dreading.  He wanted to keep putting it off, but the sooner they talked about it, the easier things would be.  Moving his hand from his hair, he lightly stroked Elijah’s cheek.  “Baby,” he murmured.  “There’s…there’s something we need to talk about.”

The past few days had been some of the oddest in Elijah's young life...and that was certainly saying something, given the past two years. In the mortal world, the boy had always felt there was definitely something different about him, but if anyone had told him what, he would have laughed in their face. A son of a Roman Goddess? That sort of thing just wasn't real. Though Elijah was pretty sure his relationship with Jack was even more unbelievable than the demigod thing. The small boy had never even had a friend, let alone a boyfriend. Let alone a boyfriend who loved him...and even after what had happened, things were getting better. Jack and Elijah were something again...though the details were yet to be specified. They were as in love as ever, and boyfriends once again. They barely left the son of Discordia's room in the Principia the past few days...food was necessary, of course, but other than each others' company, the small boy couldn't thing of anything else being so. There was still a lot to get done...things to work through, time spent together in general...the past few weeks had been a giant nightmare for both of them...but now that the two were together again, things didn't have to be a nightmare anymore.

There were those lazy, quiet moments that Elijah liked and disliked at the same time. There had to be some balance with all the talking, of course, but as much as it didn't make sense, the boy had missed the sound of his boyfriend's voice. There were still those times where Elijah just tried to get back in synch with Jack. Like now...resting his head in the son of Venus's lap, just breathing. Eyes closed, breathing deeply in time with the rising and falling of his rest. "Shhh...I'm feeling your heartbeat," Elijah said softly before he processed what Jack had said. And a moment later, he understood what had been said. A slight panic rose in the small boy's chest. Something? There were a million things they needed to talk about. But somehow, the boy knew exactly what Jack was bringing up. The only something that would bring that tone into the older boy's voice. Something that had to be spoken about sooner rather than later. The thing that scared Elijah more than anything. "Yes..." the boy said softly, opening his eyes. "I know."

Jack sighed softly as he processed his boyfriend’s initial response to his words. Normally something like that would have brought out a light chuckle or an amused laugh, but not this time. This time, Jack was feeling something else entirely. He wanted Elijah to take him seriously. He needed Elijah to take him seriously. The son of Discordia didn’t need to listen too hard to hear Jack’s heartbeat. His heart was racing a million miles an hour, but it wasn’t because of anything good. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was upset. He was hurt by Elijah’s actions. He was sad. And to top it all off, he was downright terrified of what Elijah might have to say. Jack knew the terror was unfounded. Elijah wasn’t going to leave him for another guy. He wasn’t going to say he had had a better experience. The fact that they had gotten back together showed that they were still in love. But Jack was still terrified. Maybe it was that he didn’t want to hear the real answers. Maybe it was that he didn’t want to hear the real answers. Jack knew it was selfish, but he always thought of Elijah as his. After all the promises they had made, all the words they had exchanged, Elijah was only supposed to be in his arms.

With his free hand, Jack fingered the pendant hidden beneath his t-shirt. Before everything had happened, he hadn’t been wearing it because it seemed unfair to Elijah. In the month they had been apart, he had left it off because he didn’t want to feel everybody else’s emotions. He had finally realized he would never grow accustomed to his mother’s gift if he never wore it. It might be unfair to Elijah for a while, but maybe if he got used to it, he could learn how to tune out certain feelings or certain people. Now, however, Jack couldn’t even tell if it was working properly. Was he feeling an additional fear off of his boyfriend, or was his own terror enough to mask out anything from Elijah? Since the son of Discordia didn’t seem to be radiating (yet), it was nearly impossible to tell. With a deep breath, Jack stared directly into Elijah’s bright blue eyes. This wasn’t going to be easy for either of them, but they needed to talk about it. “Why did you do it?” Jack whispered. He had theories. He thought he knew, but he wanted to hear it directly from Elijah.

It was far too tricky, all of this.  Elijah didn't want to talk about this...but he had known from the beginning that it would come up sooner or later.  And oddly enough, the small boy had been hoping for sooner.  Get it all over with and that sort of thing.  Of course, now that it was coming up (because the boy was pretty sure he knew the issue they had to talk about), the son of Discordia wanted to run far away and not think about it.  He didn't want to talk about it...it had been a giant mistake...though Elijah knew he couldn't escape it forever, especially from Jack.  But Jack had to know...more than anyone, the son of Venus had to know.  And he had the right to know...all of it.  No one but the older boy needed to know the details, but the small boy couldn't hold it back from his boyfriend.  Not entirely sure how to start, Elijah figured he just needed to say what felt right.  "Because sex always made me feel.  I knew it wouldn't matter because I don't love him…but I wanted to feel something..." Elijah didn't think it could possibly sound worse out loud than it had that day in his head.  But it did...it sounded much worse out loud.  All of a sudden, the boy wanted to run and hide.  He was ready to give up...because he didn't deserve Jack.  Not after what he had done.  It had been reckless and stupid, a desperate attempt to feel like a person, even though Elijah had known it wasn't going to work.  It was terrible and impulsive and stupid.  Staring into Jack's eyes, Elijah felt his water up.  This had to happen, no matter how painful.

"I slept with the lights on that night," Elijah said softly.  He wasn't aiming for pity, he was aiming for details.  The problem was that the boy just didn't know how to attack it all.  Even though it felt terrible, Elijah wanted Jack to know all of it...because it was a big deal and a big hump to get over.  It was one of those things that, if wasn't addressed early on in their getting back together, would fester and get worse.  The small boy had to be honest and open about it all.  And really, it would probably hurt Jack more than it hurt Elijah.  "It was my own way of self destructing...because I was sad and scared and lonely...and I wanted it all to go away..." the boy's thoughts were all jumbled...he knew all he had to say wasn't coming out in any sensical order, but Jack understood the son of Discordia well enough to piece the puzzle together.  Elijah felt his fists clenching as he went back to that night he had tried so hard to bury.  "And I had to cover all the mirrors," the boy felt himself drifting back.  It was an angry and painful pulsating in his chest.  "I couldn't look at myself for nearly two weeks...because I was just such a disgusting creature," he mumbled, feeling the tears overflow and slide sideways down his cheek with his laying position.  It hurt almost as much as the actual actions, and Elijah felt himself barely holding on.

Jack bit his lip as he listened to Elijah’s explanation.  He wanted to hear.  He wanted to know what made his boyfriend do something so reckless, so…not himself.  But at the same time, hearing those words hurt.  Jack was internally battling with himself as he pieced together what the son of Discordia had to say.  It hurt.  It tore into his heart.  But he wasn’t going to cry.  He wasn’t going to show how much it made him feel.  It made him sick, but he understood.  He understood the perceived satisfaction of screwing somebody with no strings attached.  It made him feel guilty.  Who was he to feel jealous and hurt?  After all, Jack was the one who had left them in limbo for nearly a month.  They had never said exactly what they were or weren’t in the time they weren’t speaking.  Besides that, Jack did not own Elijah.  The son of Discordia was his own person.  He was allowed to make his own decisions, no matter how terrible they seemed.

Seeing his boyfriend’s tears, Jack reached out and lightly brushed them from his cheeks.  “You’re not!” he muttered.  “You’re anything but disgusting.”  The son of Venus struggled to find something more reassuring to say.  For once, he couldn’t find the words.  He was always so good at comforting Elijah, but this time, he didn’t know what to say.  After a pause and a deep breath, he just plodded on.  He wanted answers.  He wanted to know.  Maybe after they got everything out, they could work on fixing things.  “What did you do?” Jack whispered.  He knew it would be especially painful to hear all the details, but that was what he really wanted to know.  He wanted to know just how far his boyfriend had gone with another man, just how much they had screwed each other.  Sex with Elijah, even when it was rough, had always been something very intimate to Jack.  As much as he understood, it killed him to think of someone else using his boyfriend in the same way that he had once used other men.  “What were you trying to feel?” Jack murmured, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice.  “You wanted to feel something.  What did you want to feel?”

This was going to be the nail in Elijah's coffin...this was when he was actually going to lose Jack.  Wasn't this already why he hadn't gone back to his boyfriend right away?  He knew as soon as Jack heard all of this, he wouldn't want to hang around.  It was a mistake...a giant mistake that Elijah would be atoning for the rest of his life.  Was it so wrong that the small boy wanted to cling to these last few moments as best he could?  The two had only been back together for a couple days...it seemed so wrong that there was that...teaser before the son of Discordia had to say goodbye the Jack again.  And this time, it really would be forever.  Even though Elijah wanted to hold back to the tears, he couldn't help himself.  The boy was open about emotions on a good day.  "It wasn't me...that's why I'm so disgusting," the boy managed to mumble around his tears...around the huge lump in his throat.  And then it just got worse, because that question was coming, but Elijah was sort of hoping it wouldn't.  Maybe Jack would angrily storm off before they even got there.  With a deep breath, Elijah looked into his boyfriend's grey eyes.  Such an undignified thing...but the small boy had to do it right for him, and for Jack.  "We fucked," he said dejectedly.

That was far too painful.  Jack was going to get angry.  He wasn't going to forgive Elijah for this one.  At this point, the small boy just wanted to curl up in a corner and cry.  Cry himself to sleep and just stay that way, in some odd sort of stasis forever.  But he couldn't...the boy knew he had to be brave.  Even if this was actually goodbye, Elijah had to be a big boy and face up to his mistakes like one.  "Just...feel," the boy said quietly.  "I was trying to feel something other than the pain and the anger and the guilt and...all of that," Jack would understand...Jack had to understand.  Maybe this wasn't hopeless...Elijah just had to be positive about it.  "I wanted to feel anything other than what I was feeling," Elijah summed up dully.  He didn't want to get into any of this.  But they had to get into this...maybe this was the way to fix everything.  Airing out the most dirty of dirty laundry...it had to be this way.  "And I didn't feel a single thing," Elijah whispered, deciding to keep his gaze locked with Jack's.

Jack held Elijah’s gaze as the son of Discordia spoke. Something inside of him was screaming that they needed that connection. They needed that bit to hold themselves together. Sometimes eyes said a lot. Sometimes they said nothing. This time, they just said that the two boys were trying to connect on a level they had never experienced before. Jack’s brain threw around Elijah’s words, struggling to make sense of them and work with them. He wasn’t going to cry. That much was certain. No matter how much it hurt, Jack wasn’t going to cry. He had to be stronger than that. He brought up the subject. He had to show that he could handle anything his boyfriend said. At that moment, the son of Venus wasn’t sure how to take any of it. Elijah was being honest. Jack appreciated that, but he also almost felt like Elijah wasn’t being open enough. It was terrible. Jack was caught between not wanting to know all the details, which made him appreciate the somewhat vague answers, and wanting to know everything, which made him hate the somewhat vague answers.

Jack leaned down and lightly kissed Elijah, his lips barely brushing the other’s. Cautiously, he whispered, “Did you fuck him, or did he fuck you?” In Jack’s mind, there was a huge difference between each of those two scenarios and ‘we fucked’. He wanted to know what had happened, so they could start moving past it. Jack felt a sudden need to add, “I will never, ever judge you, no matter how it went. I just…I want to know what happened. I want you to tell me everything.” As selfish as it was, Jack wanted to hear every last bit, so he would know how to deal with it. From what Elijah had said so far, the son of Discordia clearly wasn’t facing it himself. Maybe if Jack knew it all, they could work through it together.

"Jack…I'm completely ashamed to talk about all this."

While they were putting everything on the table, Elijah figured he should put that out there as well. He didn't want pity from it. He didn't want anything from it, really. He just needed Jack to know that this wasn't easy, and a lot of that was shame. Maybe it would explain the small boy's ashen face and the nearly tangible self-hatred. At least, Elijah thought it was nearly tangible. Maybe he was just being a drama queen again. At this point, the small boy was ready to forget all of it. Well...maybe not forget, but move on. The facts were, though, that there was no way to move on until this had been talked about by the two boys. And Elijah had done too much dumb stuff to keep pretending...he and Jack couldn't keep pretending. And Jack deserved to know it...to know every last detail. There was plenty that Elijah wouldn't think to mention that Jack was asking about. It was only fair. "He fucked me," the boy said softly, feeling another stab of shame. Jack had to be feeling worse...and this one couldn't be fixed like most.

Elijah wasn't sure how it worked, though...it was like they were suffering now to feel better later. But the boy didn't want to be suffering at all. Especially since it was all his fault. "I don't want to keep things back," Elijah admitted sadly. "I just don't know what all to say," at this point, the boy knew he had to get his head back in the game. He was smarter than that...he didn't have to wait for Jack to prompt him...though the questions helped keep Elijah on the right path. "I don't know if it's as easy as right and wrong...but I don't know what to say," it helped to hear that Jack wouldn't judge him, but the son of Discordia was judging himself. "You should just keep asking questions. That's how I'll know what to say," the boy was starting to fear that he was the one who would never forgive himself. But his main concern right then was Jack. That would probably be easiest at the moment, anyway.

Jack bit his lip and gently shifted Elijah’s head out of his lap.  This wasn’t right.  The more they talked, the more distant he felt from his boyfriend.  It wasn’t that Elijah was shutting him out.  In fact, the complete opposite was true.  The son of Discordia was answering all his questions.  He wasn’t shying away from anything he asked.  He was being open and truthful and honest.  But something wasn’t right.  The conversation was difficult.  It was painful and hard to handle.  And Jack felt like there was some sort of unseen barrier growing between the two.  Grabbing the pillows, he slid down in the bed until he was lying next to his boyfriend.  Reaching out, he pulled Elijah flush against him, resting the younger boy’s head on his chest.  He tugged the blankets over the pair of them before wrapping his arms protectively around the son of Discordia.  If there was a barrier growing, Jack was going to eliminate it.  Holding him tight, he murmured, “I don’t want to say ‘I’m sorry’ because we need to talk about this.  But I’m sorry you’re feeling ashamed.  I was hoping talking about it would help to move past that.  I won’t pretend this isn’t hard for me, too.  It is.  And it hurts.  But…we have to do this.”

Jack paused, staring up at the ceiling.  Where did he go from here?  How did he keep Elijah talking without making him feel any worse about the situation?  “Look…” he began slowly.  “I love you no matter what, okay?  Sometimes we do things we’re not proud of.  I know I have.  But that’s why we talk about it.  So we can work through it together and move on.”  Jack hooked Elijah’s leg with one of his own, pulling the boy even closer.  As he snuggled him, a horrible thought crossed his mind.  “Did he hurt you?” he suddenly whispered.  “Physically, I mean.  Did he…?”  Jack didn’t know how to finish the sentence.  When he and Elijah got physically involved, he was careful and prepared.  Even when they were rough with each other, they never moved forward until they were ready in all ways.  Jack’s heart sank as he wondered if this other boy took any of that into consideration.  “I’ll murder him if he didn’t treat you gently,” he whispered darkly.

When Jack shifted slightly, Elijah almost went into an intense panic.  It took some quiet deep breaths for him to relax himself.  Jack didn't want him anymore.  Jack hated him.  Jack could never forgive him.  The list was starting in his head and it kept going.  Every single thing that was wrong.  That could go wrong.  The boy's body was shaking like a leaf.  But then he noticed how Jack had moved...he was facing Elijah on his side before he pulled the small boy close against him, Elijah's head on his chest.  The boy felt like he had never breathed easier.  Melting against the older boy, the small boy felt the son of Venus's heart echoing throughout his entire body.  It was a feeling that Elijah had missed more than words could express.  "Don't be sorry," he said softly.  "For any of it.  Of course we have to talk about it...I'm just saying..." this was painful.  It was painful for Jack, which made Elijah feel even worse about it all.  At the time, he had just been hurting himself.  He hadn't thought, at the time, that he'd be hurting Jack with it all.  "It wasn't supposed to hurt you...I never thought..." the small boy took another deep breath, letting his boyfriend's heartbeat keep him from falling to pieces.

Because he couldn't fall to pieces.  Not again.  This was an adult conversation between two adults.  Hearing Jack's words almost made Elijah start sobbing from happiness.  I love you no matter what, okay?  With all the terrible things that Elijah was admitting to, Jack still loved him.  The small boy felt his body shaking more.  "I messed up," Elijah said softly, thinking he could feel the shaking in his voice.  Was it really that bad?  "I can't bear how much it's hurting you.  I messed up so bad..." the son of Discordia bit his lip, trying to hold back the sobs that were threatening to spill out.  He didn't want to cry now.  It was an immature way of trying to get out of things, the way the small boy saw it.  The words were barely processing in the small boy's head.  Jack was speaking, and Elijah had to process it.  When the boy did process all of it, he wasn't entirely sure what to say.  Someone was going to end up in major trouble.  And the small boy figured it should be him over Jespice.  "Well he wasn't gentle…but I wasn't exactly asking him to be," Elijah mumbled.  Hopefully that was enough of an answer.  It was the best he could do at the moment.

The son of Venus could feel Elijah shaking in his arms. He held him closer and tighter, trying to comfort him. Trying to comfort both of them. He almost wished he hadn’t said it was hurting him, too. He didn’t want Elijah to feel any worse than he already did. But the fact was that Elijah was being completely open and honest with him. To get anywhere, Jack had to be open and honest with Elijah as well. If they had learned anything from their time apart, it was that their relationship was not one-sided. They both needed to put forth an equal effort for this to work out at all. Jack couldn’t hide away from the answers if he was the one asking the questions. It was tough and messy, but it all had to be out in the open. Every little bit from both of them had to be talked about and discussed. The whole point was to move forward, and that was the only way it was going to happen.

Jack reached out with one finger and lightly lifted Elijah’s chin. He could hear the way the son of Discordia was choking up. He held his gaze, trying to reassure him with his eyes that everything was okay. That everything was going to be okay. Maybe it wasn’t right now. They were both confused and in pain, but in the end, it would be fine. Jack wasn’t going anywhere. He sucked his lips in and bit down hard at the answer to his last question. If there was anything he understood, it was that. When everything was falling apart and he didn’t know what to do, rough sex with someone he didn’t love had always been a good solution. It was a way to forget everything except the immediate physical pain, at least until it all caught up to him again. Jack tore his gaze away, not wanting Elijah to see the horrible mix of emotions in his eyes. The understanding, the memories, the feelings…it was all more than needed to be seen or discussed right now. Jack struggled to figure out where to go from there. There were things he wanted to know, but he didn’t know how to phrase it. Finally, he whispered, “How rough was he? Did he…at least protect himself?”

Feeling Jack holding him closer helped Elijah a bit...as much as it could at this point, probably.  The small boy was shaking.  He tried to concentrate on the older boy holding him tight, the way he smelled, how strong his body was against Elijah's small, bony frame.  Right now, the boy had to keep reminding himself how important this was, even though it hurt so bad.  Nothing was going to get fully better until the two had this conversation.  But Jack still loved the son of Discordia, and that was the most important thing.  Despite everything that had happened, the two were a couple again...the small boy had to keep reminding himself that they had reached that point.  They could keep going, even if it hurt.  All this sort of thing, this talk, it was part of the healing process.  Elijah had never been in this type of situation, but he figured it was one of those things that had to get worse before it got better.  And if this conversation was the peak of worse, the small boy would be endlessly grateful.  Even if it was just one of the conversations that made up the peak, it was one they were getting over now.  One down and...however many more.  As long as Jack's arms were around him, Elijah was sure he could do it.

At first, when Elijah felt Jack lifting his chin, he wanted to resist.  He didn't want Jack to see the pain and frustration and anger and everything else Elijah was feeling.  As soon as his boyfriend looked into his eyes, he would see all of it.  The son of Venus was the only person who could read Elijah like an open book.  Just by looking into his eyes.  But Elijah couldn't resist that...it was too unfair.  So he looked up.  Jack's eyes made it clear...things were okay.  Going to be okay.  Whatever it was, but the small boy saw he was forgiven, even as they worked through this terrible talk.  Jack still loved him...and Elijah was sure that was the important part.  Jack wasn't giving up on him...which was even better.  "Just...rough.  I don't even know if I've remembered properly...I wasn't really...I wasn't there," Elijah knew he didn't have to explain that he wasn't there mentally.  Jack would get that.  "Of course we used protection, Jack.  I would never..." the boy wasn't sure how to finish that statement.  Everything seemed like too much of a struggle right now.  But the two had to keep going...that much, Elijah knew.